Saturday, August 23, 2008

Babies

On Tuesday of this week a member of our church delivered her fourth child, a son. This morning another member called to tell Pastor (who wasn't here, so I got to receive the good news) that she had delivered her first child, a daughter. I have a sister-in-law expecting her third, and various friends and acquaintances expecting. It is really a nice, happy time. But I have pains in my heart.

I was told by many that the feeling of wanting another baby would go away, but it hasn't.

I was told that I would love having older children and be glad to be out of diapers, I do and I am, but I still would love to have another one to name and to nurse, to hold and to cuddle.

I know that I have been able to do lots of neat things because my youngest is 5 going on 6, but that hasn't made the pull of wanting another little one any less strong.

I know that more babies would make homeschooling even more crazy than it is now and my ability to want to be organized even less.

I know that I am as much, if not all, to blame for not having more children; that sinful flesh is sinful flesh. That sinful desires and decisions have consequences of which I must bear and that they wouldn't stop if more babies were in my arms, just be turned into different sinful thoughts and deeds.

I also know that I'm overly emotional right now and this is hitting me pretty hard.

So just know that I am overly ecstatic when I hear of friends, family, and church members who are expecting or have recently delivered. I think it is wonderful. But it is also a time for my heart to ache.

Life is full of decisions.
Hindsight is 20/20.
The baby desire never goes away.

11 comments:

Melanie said...

I feel the same way. I am so thankful for the freedom that comes with more children being more independent. But as I get farther away from those baby days I find myself wishing more often than not that God would surprise us one more time with another.

I guess I'll just wait for grandchildren.

Presbytera said...

Although I am a grandma, I still have the baby desire -- it must be in a woman's DNA! I love my grandchildren even though my body is well past being able to chase a child all the hours a toddler takes. It doesn't mean the desire isn't there.

Angie said...

I know exactly how you feel, okay not exactly because I am nursing as-I-type, but this baby is to be the last one and he is growing up way too fast. And I don't like it.

Aubrey said...

That's why my folks adopted Alair when Erik was in high school.

AmusedMomma said...

I can relate to what you're saying Glenda! Our youngest is 8, and I desperately wanted more, but my body just couldn't. We've tried to accept that... only that desire never seems to completely go away.

This post has really reassured me that we're not alone in that longing to have a babe in arms.

I appreciate your courage in sharing this post!

Glenda said...

Wow! Thanks to all of you, I now realize I'm not alone in this. (How selfish is it that I thought that?) Maybe because not many talk about this huh? Well now, every time I feel the ache, I'll pray for all of you too.

Aubrey - cool blog! I saw what your parents went through with adopting Alair and have other friends in various stages of the same. Seeing all that heartache, and emotional roller coaster,I simply don't think I could handle it.

Michelle said...

Glenda,

I'm joining you all too. I feel it very often because I help with childbirth classes too! Talk about an occupational hazard! We have one member of our church who just had a little boy a couple weeks ago, another member due in a month and another one due in December. I'm very thankful for our three yet, I LOVE babies. I did get to hold and snuggle one baby this afternoon - that was wonderful!

I don't think my body can handle any more - I've had heart palpitations, and they are worse during pregnancy so I fear trying again.

We have considered adopting someday. Who knows. But, I totally understand the desire for babies! And yes, I think - finally we have home schooling kind of going nicely on most days - I must be crazy to even think about a baby!

We'll all just have to pray for each other!

Erin said...

Glenda, I'm pregnant if you haven't heard...I am feeling opposite selfish feelings of being completely overwhelmed by babies and toddlers. I appreciate your honest feelings, especially since I seem to run with a crowd of women all tired of the "baby thing" and ready to have their babies grow up a bit.

Kim said...

I completely understand how you feel. Every time I think that I have a handle on this and am over wanting more kids something will hit me and I realize that I'm not over it. I'm glad you posted this, I've felt so alone!

Jenny Chavez said...

Glenda -
I put my personal feelings about this post on my blog. However, I was just talking to Mom and she suggested that you start watching a baby like she does. She says its the perfect medicine for the "baby cravings". Hope this helps! Love you!

Jane said...

We're surrounded by new babies and soon-to-be-born babies, too, right now. Even though my youngest will be 13 this year,and even though I do enjoy the freedom I have, and even though I know--realistically--my body was done, I still get the baby craving. Fortunately I have lots of friends' babies to cuddle.